Sometimes I think, I don’t know what happened. Sometimes I think, how did I get to be right here, right now, right where I am?
It’s like, I am in some kind of blurry confusion. Or like I landed on my bum with a thump. I wasn’t expecting it and I am sitting there all kind of dazed and amazed.
The hours tick by and roll into days. The days tick by and roll into weeks. And I tumble and roll with them. I keep attempting to pick myself up and stumble on but I seem to lurch from one impossible situation to the next.
Some days, standing in front of several huge piles of washing feels like enough to be classified as an impossible situation. I look at the mixtures of red and white and black and blue, which should, technically, have all been sorted out into their appropriate baskets, according to my own rules of the house. I stare at those never-ending mixed piles and I despair.
Some days, I focus on the enormous list of things I expect myself to do that day, and I realise I am in an impossible situation. I can only disappoint myself because no earthly being can possibly tick off each of those designated tasks in just one day.
Some days, I find myself pondering over a blank piece of paper. It seems like my impossible situation is to actually find enough energy to draw up the day’s list in the first place.
Instead, I drag my lazy butt over to the sofa and distract myself with the TV, or a game or someone else’s news.
Then I leave the house at the very last minute to pick up my daughter, because even though, I feel incredibly lonely, I can’t bear to face the other mums. With their happy smiles or their problems or their invitations or their requests.
I attempt to hide in the driver’s seat of my car. And if they approach me, I feel the panic rising from the pit of my stomach.
Occasionally, there are days when the impossible situation is just to make it through the day.
On those days, I bite my lip, swing my foot, pace the floor, hug the dog, think of the kids, go back to bed in an attempt to wake up in a better mood, call my husband and just try to breathe in and out and tell myself that tomorrow is a brand new day full of brand new possibilities.
I’m still an optimist. Deep down inside.
2015 has not been my finest hour.
In all honesty, it’s been really bloody tough.
It’s been the accumulation and aftermath of: three burnouts, Crohn’s, a million doctor’s appointments, sick kids, diagnoses, arguments, a suicide, PTSD, continuous headaches, sleepless nights, stress, guilt, loss, panic and pain.
So I decided that the only way to turn things around was to go into a specialised clinic at the local hospital for a while.
It was the right decision. I talked and cried and laughed and painted and danced and beat the hell out of drums. I made friends and cried and talked some more. I listened. I hugged. I walked through the forest. I remembered things I’d ‘locked’ away. I talked about them and cried and then ‘locked’ them away again. Because it’s just not healthy to let those things consume your life.
Above all, I realised that my own driving force is low self-esteem, guilt and fear.
So all these years, I’ve needed to do my absolute utmost, to prove to myself that I am worthy, and to reduce the feelings of guilt that I carried around for things which I had always believed were my fault but actually weren’t. I needed to protect my family from all eventualities, because in my own experience bad things actually happened again and again.
I feel like I’ve been knocked down and built back up again. Albeit, loosely.
I can’t tell you that I feel ‘well’. I would more describe myself as feeling ‘fragile’. Sometimes, some days, still bring their impossible situations.
But I can tell you that I have more energy and that I am looking forward to Christmas more than I have in years.
And that I am hoping, ever the optimist, that when I look back in years to come, that I will see 2015 as a turning point in my life.
And that 2016 was a new beginning.
Wishing you all, from the bottom of my heart, a wonderful Christmas. And a 2016 full of hope, enlightenment, love and strength.