Tag Archives: Funny poem

A cat and rat tale


We’ve a neighbouring cat
who likes to kill rats
and leave them as gifts
on the front door mat

I know I shouldn’t treat
such love and affection
with pure rejection

But, in truth,
there is something uncouth
about a stiff rodent
lay there
at the foot of my stairs
I freak out!
I may shout!
Even swear…

Though, I have to admit
as she strides for the kill
I can admire her skill:
the speed of her paws
and those excellent claws
her precisional sight
then her agile flight

She plays with her toy
be it girl
be it boy
carries it around
with no heart
with no sound

When it’s dead
and she’s had enough
she brings it to me:
a small thank you
for the sausage that fell
from last nights barbecue.

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That’s a day in the life of a typical teenage girl


They stay in their beds
don’t raise their sleepy heads

There’s noise all around
but they do not hear a sound

Then they can’t sleep at night,
have trouble switching off the light

The bathroom’s full of potions
all kinds of creamy lotions

The wardrobe’s full of clothes
but they’ve nothing to enrobe

When they see a boy
their gestures are all coy

They start to giggle
at every dash and every squiggle

Then they are enraged
by such small things, I’m amazed

They don’t hear me speak
as their ear phones pulsate musique

They’re never alone
someone’s always on the phone

They go to the shops
know just how to spend the dosh

Yet when I am sad
they take a moment
make me glad
with a cuddle and a kiss
and a heartfelt wish
and a look in their eye
that shows
they understand why.

A Valentine Comedy


The day started well
I entered the room
You lay on the bed
All a-swish and a-swoon.

A gift on my pillow
Beside your sweet head
Chocolates
And flowers
Of varying sorts
Set in my tin, to bake me a Torte.
You lay there, all smiling
Hand propping up your head
“Will you be my Valentine?”
Is what you said.

Even though, we are already wed.

I put my present to the side
Though invited by the bed
I had to nip out,
Pay a visit to the loo
To deposit a (rather extensive) number two.
So there’s me upon the toilet,
And you in the bed
The hours of love-making
Must take place inside your head.
I strike up a chat
In hope you’ll stay awake
Through wall
And half-opened door,
But only moments later
I hear a gentle snore.

After a while
When my business is done
I can finally lay beside you
Thank God!
It’s already half past one!

We lie there
Together
Softly sleeping
Gently breathing
Silently dreaming:
Then suddenly
Rudely forced awake
“Mum, Mum…”

A voice penetrates.

I cannot see
Who’s waking me
I cannot recall
The voice at all
I have to ask
The name –
Of the child who is to blame,
For shattering our sleep.
“Joni.”
Standing there
Complaining of a crap nightmare!

No matter how hard I try,
I cannot be good.
I am too tired out
To talk it through
So,
I make a space
In my own bed
And snuggle close
Into her head,
Her long legs dangle
All around
Her feet are mostly on the ground.
I hold her tight,
Tell her
“It’s alright.”

I lay there
Breathing her same air
And in time, become aware
Of an ache
In my left ear,
Both my arms
You understand
Are tightly clasped by her two hands.

I heave a sigh and stroke her hair
Then dismiss her off
To her own lair
Tell her a game
That she can play
To help her sleep
And she’s away.

My attention turns
To my ear pain
I keep it warm.
And snuggle down again.

Attempt to sleep
Only to realise
There is a pressure
Between my thighs,
The bathroom calls
I must arise.

I fall into bed
Sleep like I’m dead
Only to wake
Before my alarm
A child is ill –
Can I come?

So my dear, I want to say
Despite our night
Of stop and start
I love you
From the bottom of my heart.

And why, I’ll tell you here and now:
I am happy that we share
Our lives together
That we care
Despite the stresses and the strains
That we bear.

Be it
Children sneaking into our bed
Or falling sometimes into the red

Be it family feuds
Or great swings of moods

Be it pain
Or the strain of more illness yet again
We remain
On the same plane.

I love you
Because you’re there
Despite the ink spot on the stair,
Because when you come home
And do not moan
But help me to tidy up the mess,
You show how you care,
You always do your best.

You laugh with me through life.

I am a happy as your wife.

When I’m sad you take my hand
I have the feeling
That you always understand.

And because after such a night
With the horror and the fright
You tell me:

“to let the entertainment go
forget the night behind us
it was not one of our best
lets take our four feet forward
and get on with the rest.”

Yes, I will be you Valentine
Will you be mine?

A perfect me


Be prepared
I look quite stunning
chestnut hair
and legs a-flowing
ruby lips
and sparkling eyes
not a wrinkle
to be spied
white, straight teeth
and underneath
a bum so pert
and round
and neat.
No cellulite
no wobbly belly
and boobs that properly
face the telly.
I stretch
I groan
reach out my hand
locate the snooze
and float back to
my dreamland….

The Perfect Princess Party – Recipe for Success


Twelve happy faces
All lined up in two rows,
At the head of table
A pretty pink and perfect throne.

VIP treatment
Photos galore
Standing on red carpet
Or by the pink curtained door.

Crowned and robed,
All the little guests
Fun and laughter
Are their only quests.

Cake stand
Full of muffins,
Purple fizzy lemonade,
Crown shaped sandwiches
All on the table laid.

Making pretty necklaces,
Passing parcels round,
Swirling, twirling ball gowns
To the swan lake sound.
Narrating sleeping beauty,
Then lying on the floor,
All is still and calm
Peace has returned once more.

Finally,
Birthday cake
Princess form
Best as can be done!
(Still in the making
Would you believe
My three-year old
Came to me
And said,
– “Looks a little shit mum!”

So:

I took my theatrical knife
And drove it through my heart
Staggered a little
And glanced at her –
The desired effect
Achieved.

Apology.

And my three-year old
Survived –
And became four).

I haven’t quite…


Have you ever said
“There aren’t enough
Hours in the day”?
Do you ever wonder
Where those hours,
They do stray?

I notice:
No matter how hard I try
Those hours
Always
Rush on by.

If I eat my breakfast
With a lovely friend,
There’s no time for shopping,
Homework,
Cleaning,
Cooking
And washing.
And it drives me round the bend…

When the day is over
My tiredness is obscene
But still I have a moment
To observe
The things
I haven’t achieved:

There are spiders in the corner
The grass is far too long
And Oh My God
That bucket,
Really has a pong!

The eldest needs her shorts sewn
The youngest hasn’t had a bath
And those in the middle
Need new pyjamas
And some intensive help in maths.

The windows are a sticky mess
Truth be told:
The tabletops as-well
Although I cleaned them yesterday
At least fifteen times!
I dwell…

On the washing
That lies upon the floor
Soon there will be
No known way
To open up the door.

The shed requires
A lick of paint
Before wintertime descends
Mercy! Mercy!
These jobs
They have no end.

I have not played football
With my ten-year old son.
I have not practiced
For that French test
With the dyslexic one.
I have not organised the sleepover
I promised my firstborn.
I have not trimmed the growing hair
Of child number four.

And my poor husband
I promise him a date 😉
But end up falling fast asleep
Because it is too late.

I should go to the hairdressers
To fix my crazy hair
I ought clean out
The shelving
That lives
Under the stair.

I can’t remember
The last time
I have read a book
Other than
When
I wanted
A recipe
To cook.

I must upload those photos
And send them to my friend
Her wedding day
Becomes
A more and more distant
Event.

Some days
I think
There has been
A great mistake.
Someone
Has taken
The hour hand
And out of it
A minute hand
Did make.

Wild hair


When I woke up this morning
I had curls upon my head
Wild, twirling ringlets
My long straight hair had fled.

Time for school
So wake my son
Who takes a glance
Just one –
Starts to laugh and giggle
At his crazy looking mum.

Blurry eyed and sleepy
I catch sight of myself
In the bathroom mirror
That sits above the shelf.

What’s staring back at me?
I am shocked by what I see
Such a mon-stro-si-ty.

What have I done?
Where have I been?
I thought asleep
What was my dream?

But deep inside
No place to hide
A wish reveals itself:
Curls! CURLS! CURLS!

No longer poker straight
Not lifeless
Not hanging there
But intertwined figures of eight!

The back-combing
To volumize
In my days gone by
Spiral perms, corkscrews
(Along with all the dye).

I feel a little excitement
Even though
I know
Anyone who saw me
Would think me mad from head to toe.

So I decide
For a little while
I’ll support my guise
The one that says to passer-bys

“I just got out of bed!”.

You see,
Between you and me:
My wild hair
Tells of my wild night
With my wild dreams
Which is a component
To be celebrated
Of that wild side
In me. 😉

Rude awakening


Snoozing on the sofa

Before it’s time for bed

Snuggling hubby’s shoulder

Is where I rest my head.

A shake!

An attempt

to make me awake!

And he drags me off upstairs.

First to the toilet –

I can see only blurry shapes

Then to the sink

“Clean your teeth!”

A voice invades

Toothpaste on the small round head

Open mouth

So wide

Nothing can justify

The sound and the vibration

I am once again alive!

Loving thy neighbour?


Neighbours can make you
Jump for joy,
Their thoughtfulness
Can lift your heart.
But some can really make you wish
That you lived, in fact
Further apart.

Are your neighbours
The type
(Do tell)
Who bring your washing in?
(Those ones are swell)
Do they take your dustbin out?
Do they notice when your down,
Take your hand and nurse your brow?
Are they there when you turn around,
With needed eggs and sugar too?

Or are they the ones
Who’d keep the cup
That actually belongs to you?

 

Strawberry


I ask you if you want today
A second healthy
Strawberry?
“No!” you say
I’m shocked,
Disturbed,
Is that really my son I heard?
Are you sick?
Is something wrong?
You turned down food?
And a favourite one!

“Why not?”
I ask, full of endeavour
To seek an answer
On your displeasure.
But what comes next
I could not have guessed,
Had I a month of guesses to invest:

“I’m trying to be annoying!”
“WHAT?”
“I think I’ve been too good the last few days!”
You see a chance to mend your ways….

And here I have a lot of points
To tell to you,
So you’ll understand
What annoying is
My good man.

The other day you calmly said:
“No homework mum, my maths is done!
I finished it in school today
I can now go safely out to play.”
On careful inspection
I did discover
Each sum written out
And nothing other.
Not one single addition
Had been completed,
So:
Stay seated!
Answers Please.
Where is your pen?
Oh God, you’ve gone and lost it again!

You take your bike out of the shed
But leave the helmet off your head
You left the house with it attached
Your safety and my nerves intact,
But then you fling it on the ground
While you cycle all around.

You have a bath
And soak the room
All over your clothes are strewn,
The walls are wet
The floor is swamped
And my nice bubble bath is gone.
You leave the bathroom all de-stressed,
While I am left to clean up the mess.

I send you to bed
And say, “Lights out!”
Then half an hour later,
While tidying up
I find you looking
At a ‘good’ book.
You’re not in pyjamas,
Your teeth are unbrushed,
I have to stand over you
‘Til you do what you must.

So, you see my son,
It’s plainly clear
You know how to set me a challenge
My dear.
Not eating strawberries
Is not annoying,
Rather,
Pleasing:
Because you see
My little one
Even more strawberries are left for me!