Elaborate Dreams

So I know that everybody has dreams.

But the one that I had last night, or should I really say, this morning was totally and utterly bizarre, to say the least.

Firstly, I think I was a man (I actually change gender continually in my dreams, I thought this was completely normal, until I casually dropped it into a conversation with my family and they gave me that mum-you-are-weird look) and I was running around with some kind of hectic, chaotic feeling (at this point I can still relate), I think I was either looking for someone or trying to rescue them, I’m not entirely sure now – it’s one of those hazy bits, there seemed to be a lot of adrenalin involved and a lot of rushing around various streets (some of which seemed remarkably similar to those that I had played in as a child) then suddenly, the man that I was looking for appeared, and you know, this is where I start to think this dream is particularly extraordinary, I think it was a James Bond actor. SERIOUSLY. But with a moustache. I can’t tell you which actual actor though, as in real life I suffer from an affliction called Facial Recognition Incompetence. And to be honest, I’m not convinced he normally has a moustache. Did any James Bond actor have a moustache? I digress…

So, Bond appeared (he wasn’t being Bond, he was just well, being himself, but from now on I will call him Bond anyway so that we know exactly who I am talking about), and some other person unexpectedly just happened to be beside me, he was apparently looking for Bond with me, I felt at this time he may have actually been helping me the whole time, but I just hadn’t noticed him before. Anyway: so we had Bond and we tried, wholeheartedly (and perhaps a little breathlessly) to usher him into a safe building nearby but then, just like that, he scooted off, at high speed, in an old sports car. Suddenly the man I was with, conjured a car out of thin air and we (I am aware that I was changing into a woman at this point) raced off in pursuit of Bond. But he was nowhere to be seen. We decided to separate and I got out of the car and explored the streets on foot.

I found myself in a hairdresser’s and there, sat upon the styling chair was Bond, gowned and waiting to have his haircut while reading a newspaper. Suddenly, I was the female hairdresser standing behind him but I didn’t feel like giving him a trim. Something was wrong with me and I made my excuses and scarpered out back, into another room.

Now to be honest, this is where things got really complicated. The man who had been helping me to search for Bond had reappeared and was now a doctor. I meanwhile, was trying to hide, somehow, between a white partition wall and a  roller blind. It wasn’t working well as the other sides were open to the elements and in truth, the blind was swinging about in some hopeless, swishy swashy way. I realised I was actually in a hospital or maybe some kind of treatment room somewhere. And I was no longer a random person of alternating gender looking for Bond. I was a nurse, or maybe even a doctor and I was hiding from a patient.

Suddenly, a yelling mother pushed her child in on a hospital bed. She was yelling about me. And why I’d buggered off instead of doing the operation.

Finally, it was all clear. I knew what was really wrong with me. I really, really needed to poo. But I couldn’t. I was constipated.

The doctor was awesome. He knew it without me saying a word. He handed me a teeny tiny suppository and a slightly bigger folded bag to poop in. He wanted to test my stool sample, apparently.

Now get this:

There was no toilet.

And in the same room, behind a small partition wall was my patient waiting agitatedly for his/her operation.

So I just crouched down, inserted my medical wonder and waited for a sec. Sure enough, wonders were worked and things started to move.

At that point I noticed the prying eyes, peeking around the roller blind or just standing there, openly at the side. The mother had calmed down. She seemed to have some consideration for my predicament (though not enough not to observe).

I started to unfold my bag, only to discover, it was not a white plastic bag, but a white paper party hat. You know, like the ones that burst out of a cracker at Christmas, just lacking the bold colours. The situation was impossible, that hat had no chance of retaining my deposit.

To be fair, I did wave at the doctor to inform him of my tricky predicament, and concerned, he noticed his mistake and rushed off, into the adjoining hairdressing room to counter that mistake, but alas, what with crouching and gravity and medical wonders…

Weirdly, the prying eyes pried on, unabashedly throughout the sordid affair and then the doctor pushed past and handed me the only thing he could find, a bright yellow shopping bag.

Let’s just say, I bagged a very heavy load and handed the bag right back to him.

Then I went off towards my patient to perform whatever treatment was expected of me…










13 Replies to “Elaborate Dreams”

  1. Sarsm,
    I’m drinking tea in front of my computer (tea break at work) … luckily I have a big desk and the keyboard can be placed a good distance away because I almost snorted out my tea.

    Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to supress laughter when your door is open, your mouth is full of tea and several of your colleagues are in the hall a few meters away??? !!!!

    I managed (with difficulty) and had to pull the rubbish bin to me just in case I couldn’t actually swallow the tea.

    I now feel like I have tea up my nose … it’s a weird feeling.

    Since my accident and heavy medication I no longer dream, or maybe I do but I can’t remember them. It’s like I go to sleep and then the alarm goes off hours later with not even the feeling that time has passed.

    Every now and again I do dream and remember something… yes it’s usually weird too, like needing to travel somewhere and flying, not in a plane sort of flying, but just floating to where I need to go.

    I miss dreaming vivid dreams so this post made my day… and made me laugh too… I totally lost it at the party hat bit, gosh what stress!

    THANK YOU for writing this down, you really made my day! 😉

    1. I’m so glad I made you laugh!!!! 😀

      Your current sleeping feeling description reminds of me of when I had an anaesthetic – I’d ‘come around’ thinking only a moment had passed and I’d continue my conversation where I left off!

  2. I got to the part about having to poo and lost it. I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes.

    I have never dreamed about poo, but I actually find it rather surprising I haven’t when I have to scoop and carry as much dog poo as I do on our walks.

  3. OMG! This is hysterical! My partner totally relates. When she wakes up in the morning and says she has had a dream….well, I settle in for the long haul. My oldest daughter, too, has some colorful dreams. I do try to remember mine, when I do have them, but oft times when I wake up they tend to vanish. Leaving me only bits and pieces that really don’t come together. But yours! Yours has come together nicely and you may think disjointed a bit, but dreams are the inner workings of our psyche…are they not! So glad to see you back writing again. I have missed you and you brighten my day immensely. Be well. 🙂

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment.
      I will try to post an article now and then. It is very therapeutic and I love reading the comments. There’s nothing like the blogging world.
      Your partner sounds like my second eldest daughter, she seems to remember so many details about her dreams. And she can often remember them weeks later. I, on the other hand am a mixed bag. Sometimes I remember ‘splashes’ – big chunks seem to be missing. Others, I remember in quite a lot of detail, but I only retain the memories if I talk about it right away or I write it down.

  4. You obviously have a fear of hair, spies and not making it to the loo in time.

    Either that or your heat was on. I find I have weird dreams when I am too hot. But it’d have to be a fire in every room with all the doors closed in my house in the Sahara to be as weird as that.


    1. 😀
      Brilliant!! I do have a fear of not making it to the loo on time. That’s true! I also keep having dreams where I am naked and everyone else is dressed and I’m constantly trying to hide or cover up. I even steal bed sheets and stuff to cover up. I would hate to be naked when everyone else is dressed – so there’s something in it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.