Post Traumatic Nipple Stress

So, last night, I sneezed so violently that my whole body wrenched forward and my nipple got caught in between my wrist and my watch strap.

#truefact #notalternativefact #youcouldn’tmakeitup

I yelped slightly, partly because of the shock, partly because of the sheer intensity of the sneeze, not so much because of the pain – it strangely didn’t hurt that much, and quite a bit because of that traumatic memory of when I accidentally whisked my boob.

My yelping interrupted the film we were watching and my husband, who luckily is used to my violent sneezes, glanced across and I exclaimed to him, “My nipple got caught in my watch strap!!!”

He winced appropriately and turned his face back in the direction of the TV screen.  After all, whisk flashbacks are mine and mine alone.

To be honest, I did feel the need to re-discuss that old event, but then, for some reason, I thought better of it.

Now, at this point, you may be forgiven for wondering why my watch strap is far too big or if I have an exceptionally small nipple? I can ease your concerns on both counts. Well, I think I can. I mean, I haven’t actually compared my nipple to other ladies nipples as it’s not really polite to do so and I am, after all, British. But my suspicion is, that in terms of size, my nipple is completely normal. And my watch strap is not too big either, rather, I have to wear it slightly loose because it says to do so in the instructions. It’s one of those Fitbit things. You know, one of those watches that measure not only time, but also your pulse as well as the amount of steps that you take in a day. What that actually means is: that it’s a watch that controls your mood – if you achieve more than the 10,000 steps that it expects of you in your day, then you feel ON TOP OF THE WORLD and if you don’t, like yesterday, you fall into a deep black hole of depression – and from then on in you just wander back and forth to the fridge scouring for sugar. I really thought my Fitbit might have cut me some slack and given me a point step for each violent sneeze, after all I’m sure they must use up more calories than a simple step. In fact, they are so whole-body-consuming that each sneeze should really be classed as exercise.  But no, my Fitbit not only discounted my activity, but it also ensnared my nipple.

Shortly after my ‘event’ interrupted our viewing pleasure, we heard a little knock on the living room door. We thought about it for a brief moment and then we shouted unanimously, “Come in!” And a  no-longer-so-tiny daughter shuffled into the room. Crying.

My husband paused the film.

We asked her what was wrong. But she was so absorbed with her own tears that she couldn’t tell us anything. So I started the guessing game:

Are you ill? Did you have a bad dream? Have you forgotten about some piece of homework? Have you lost something? Are you dreading going back to school? Did your brother annoy you?

She couldn’t speak, only sob and shake her head.

So, I thought I’d try the cheer-her-up approach. “Do you know what just happened to mummy?” I asked, excitedly.

She shook her pretty little head again.

“I just sneezed so violently my nipple got caught in my watch strap!!!!”

She screwed up her face.

But the sobs seemed less….

So I continued, “Do you remember the time mummy whisked her nipple…?”

Kids. You gotta love ’em. They have their uses…


16 thoughts on “Post Traumatic Nipple Stress”

      1. 😀 No she’s a real stickler for following the rules. She broke one and then felt terribly guilty about it so had to come and confess all. It’s amazing having a kid with such a huge conscience – I get to play nice pretty much all of the time!!!

    1. I shocked myself I think!!! Someone contacted me and asked if I watched TV naked as they just couldn’t work out how it was humanly possible. For reference, no I was and am always fully clothed while watching TV. Though I’m not sure how they knew I was watching TV when the event took place….

      1. Sarsm,

        the answer to your question is probably this bit:
        “My yelping interrupted the film we were watching “… and if your husband was able to pause the film, then it’s a pretty good guess you weren’t at your local picture theatre 🙂

        I too am most interested at why kiddo was in tears… did it ever become clear ???

        Little Mr has nightmares and is a sleepwalker. Luckily the latter is now mostly reserved for when he is sleeping somewhere new and maybe unsure where adult help is. He typically wanders around to check they are still there / that he knows where they are / other = who knows why, the kid is still asleep, after all.

        Often even if he has a bad dream and comes to us in tears, he may or may not actually be awake, so we have learned to assume is his asleep first and then size up the situation from there. He only remembered he had a bad dream on one occasion, the rest of the time he doesn’t even remember he came to our room in the night.

        Might that possibly be the case with your Little Miss?
        I hope she was ok.

      2. I am so confused nowadays that I can’t even remember what I’ve written!!!!!!!!

        She was wide awake. She’d spent more time than she’s allowed to on the laptop and then had a bad conscience!!! Bless her!!! She has a huge conscience and does cope well if she think she’s done something wrong.

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