Maybe I should…


Maybe I should shout ‘fuck’ as it sweeps in again.
But I don’t.
I just loaf around.
Be mean.
Be vacant.
Be not me.

Maybe I should just scream and shout.
Maybe wail, those deep, sad, wails out loud,
kick the walls – let some deep rage out
but I don’t, I just, I just wanna be free.

Maybe I should call someone
ask them for their help?
But I don’t.
Because who is there really?
Who can actually help me?

Maybe I should just scream and shout.
Maybe wail, those deep, sad, wails out loud,
kick the walls – let some deep rage out
but I don’t, I just, I just wanna be free.

Maybe enough painkillers will kill the pain?
But I take painkillers and the pain remains exactly the same…
Lost…
Numb…
Defeated.

When will I ever be useful again?
How can anyone live with this constant,
mental
drain?

How do I find the strength to go on?
How can I ever, ever again
be a good mum?

Maybe I should just scream and shout.
Maybe wail, those deep, sad, wails out loud,
kick the walls – let some deep rage out
but I don’t, I just, I just wanna be free.

Maybe I should just scream and shout.

Maybe wail, those deep, sad, wails out loud.

Kick the walls – let some deep rage out!

But I don’t.
I just loaf around.
Be mean.
Be vacant.
Be not me.

 

13 thoughts on “Maybe I should…”

  1. My therapist suggested I beat my bed with a baseball bat. However, after my crazy husband threatened me with his baseball at, I buried it in the side yard. Thus I have no bat to beat against my bed!

  2. Sarsm,
    I know… I too have soooo many “wasted” days. I can’t even kick the walls😦

    I get frustrated and sometimes my only recourse is to stay up late (family think I am seeing the end of a movie) but I just have a good cry.

    I feel useless too… Himself has to drive me almost everywhere, even simple tasks are often beyond me because I have to stand or try and lift something heavy. Try that on one leg. Ugh.

    I am often stuck in the house for more than a week at a time… you get sick of four walls but can’t ask someone who is already carrying a massive amount of the workload to add to it by taxiing you around as well. Himself doesn’t have enough hours In the day as it is. He literally runs from one job/chore/errand to another and falls into bed exhausted at the end of the day.

    Some days are better of course, but like you I want the “old me” back.
    Sometimes I can accept that it will never happen, other days are not so easy. Fight on…. it is all we can do and we must do it. For our wonderful husbands, for our kids, for ourselves.

    Much love and Hugs…. kiwi

    1. Thank you.

      I think it’s good to open up about these things sometimes. I am a bit of a heart on my sleeve type of person. I often wonder whether this is the right forum for me to talk about such things. But the response is always phenomenal – because like you, people feel able to share their own pain. I value that a lot because I think it’s important to have somewhere where you can be truly honest about how you’re feeling. It doesn’t make all the pain go away, but it helps to allow it to be real, illuminated for a moment, raw and then at least a tiny bit can be let go of.

      I went to a massage therapist a while ago. It was a completely different type of massage to any I have ever had before. The therapist said that you have these knots which come from emotional burdens that you carry around with you. She said when she presses on them, it’s like she opens a memory drawer and you have the opportunity to look inside and work through a painful memory. She said only by working through the memory can you actually let it go. She showed me techniques and then started the massage. It was the weirdest, most effective massage I have ever had. I sobbed my heart out and afterwards felt like I had really been threw something but that I’d come out the other side.
      It was uplifting.

      I keep hoping that things will get better for you. Losing your independence is so difficult. You are still the person you always were but you can’t do half of the things you want to do. But I still think that you are a hugely valuable person in your families life and in the world in general. I am always excited to read your insights. I really wish that there were more caring, intuitive, intelligent, conscientious people in the world like you.❤

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