There is no part of me that I can sleep on, so I might as well get up

Yesterday, I was beaten up.

OK. OK. Slightly misleading. I’ll start again.

So, yesterday, I went for a Thai Massage.

A petite, harmless looking woman, who wore one of those faces which uttered no reference to her age, or thus, experience, appeared. She had a uniform on and therefore, I just knew, she was someone I could trust.

And anyway, she seemed friendly…

To be honest, I may have been slightly distracted. I’d forgotten my hair bobble and hair my length is more badly behaved than a naughty child when it spots oils to slide around in, hands to get caught up in and clean towels to fall out upon.

Please note: I had remembered my bath towel. I had had to return home for it, halfway through the rush to Kindergarten. But I had it with me in my dishevelled plastic bag.

I lay upon the warm bed – my towel and me in my panties – and really, at that moment, I felt quite sure my birthday voucher would wash away my troubles and bring me inner peace.

Until she started…

She pulled my toes and they cracked and I thought “oh shit”. Especially because I’m like a one woman band on the stairs, creaking and cracking, (I wanted to write there ‘of a morning’ but it’s every time I’m on the bloody stairs ladies and gents, every time). And if I inform you, that our house is like a tower; it goes onwards and upwards over four whole bloody floors. You’ll realise, I’m sure, that we live in a very noisy building indeed.

She pulled and she pressed not only with her vigorous fingers but also with her palms, then her elbows and then with her knees and eventually with her FEET!

She used the weight of her whole small body on mine and squashed me as hard as she could.

She twisted my body parts in ways, I frankly thought would have resulted in me leaving in a cast.

Then she teased me with swift, flowing rubs that helped relieve the pain that she herself had created.

She informed me that my shoulders were very, very hard and I must get a lot of headaches.

I marvelled at her incredible knowledge of my body and said, “Yes, YES I get lots of headaches!”

And then, I felt very afraid as she warned me in the gentlest of tones, that it will really hurt but she has to get the knots out.
At one moment, as she manipulated my back, I thought I might be sick on my once forgotten towel.

She palmed and she elbowed and she kneed me. She twisted and she pulled and she wrenched me.

If I’d have filled out an application form on my arrival, you’d swear I must have lied ‘contortionism’ in the hobbies section.

Then she took hot stones in her tevlon hands and jabbed them at my most painful parts.

She followed this with the most amazing thing. She rubbed the hot stones in even flows along my back and my neck and I thought for a short time I might just stay on that warm bed for the whole day.

Until that is she started karate chopping me in the back.

I got a thorough and meticulous beating, then I handed over my voucher with a smile and wondered if I should leave a tip as I sipped on a cup of tea (in which I couldn’t get my pretty candied sugar to melt, no matter how much I stirred it).

And I agreed, that it would be a good idea for me to come back next week for some more?!?