There is no part of me that I can sleep on, so I might as well get up

Yesterday, I was beaten up.

OK. OK. Slightly misleading. I’ll start again.

So, yesterday, I went for a Thai Massage.

A petite, harmless looking woman, who wore one of those faces which uttered no reference to her age, or thus, experience, appeared. She had a uniform on and therefore, I just knew, she was someone I could trust.

And anyway, she seemed friendly…

To be honest, I may have been slightly distracted. I’d forgotten my hair bobble and hair my length is more badly behaved than a naughty child when it spots oils to slide around in, hands to get caught up in and clean towels to fall out upon.

Please note: I had remembered my bath towel. I had had to return home for it, halfway through the rush to Kindergarten. But I had it with me in my dishevelled plastic bag.

I lay upon the warm bed – my towel and me in my panties – and really, at that moment, I felt quite sure my birthday voucher would wash away my troubles and bring me inner peace.

Until she started…

She pulled my toes and they cracked and I thought “oh shit”. Especially because I’m like a one woman band on the stairs, creaking and cracking, (I wanted to write there ‘of a morning’ but it’s every time I’m on the bloody stairs ladies and gents, every time). And if I inform you, that our house is like a tower; it goes onwards and upwards over four whole bloody floors. You’ll realise, I’m sure, that we live in a very noisy building indeed.

She pulled and she pressed not only with her vigorous fingers but also with her palms, then her elbows and then with her knees and eventually with her FEET!

She used the weight of her whole small body on mine and squashed me as hard as she could.

She twisted my body parts in ways, I frankly thought would have resulted in me leaving in a cast.

Then she teased me with swift, flowing rubs that helped relieve the pain that she herself had created.

She informed me that my shoulders were very, very hard and I must get a lot of headaches.

I marvelled at her incredible knowledge of my body and said, “Yes, YES I get lots of headaches!”

And then, I felt very afraid as she warned me in the gentlest of tones, that it will really hurt but she has to get the knots out.
At one moment, as she manipulated my back, I thought I might be sick on my once forgotten towel.

She palmed and she elbowed and she kneed me. She twisted and she pulled and she wrenched me.

If I’d have filled out an application form on my arrival, you’d swear I must have lied ‘contortionism’ in the hobbies section.

Then she took hot stones in her tevlon hands and jabbed them at my most painful parts.

She followed this with the most amazing thing. She rubbed the hot stones in even flows along my back and my neck and I thought for a short time I might just stay on that warm bed for the whole day.

Until that is she started karate chopping me in the back.

I got a thorough and meticulous beating, then I handed over my voucher with a smile and wondered if I should leave a tip as I sipped on a cup of tea (in which I couldn’t get my pretty candied sugar to melt, no matter how much I stirred it).

And I agreed, that it would be a good idea for me to come back next week for some more?!?


45 thoughts on “There is no part of me that I can sleep on, so I might as well get up”

  1. Years ago I went to Thailand and had a proper Thai massage too. I giggled when she cracked my toes. It’s strange being pummelled like a loaf of bread isn’t it. I loved it, but yes it does make you feel a bit beaten up afterwards, lol! A very descriptive post and exactly how it is! :O)

    1. I’m so glad you said that you giggled!! Me too. At one point she pulled my leg and my back cracked so loudly we both laughed and then she said, mischievously, “And we’ve not even started on your back yet!!”

      I’ve been very stressed of late and I know that’s why certain areas hurt so much. My legs feel great today. A bit like I’ve been through a good work out at the gym, a kind of pleasure pain thing.

      And yesterday my head felt so clear. Unbelievable.

    1. ;-). I’m used to pain, what with all the headaches and the fact that I’m extremely clumsy.

      I haven’t had a headache for two days (and counting…) and to top that, my head feels amazingly clear.

      But I quite like the title closet masochist… 😉

    1. I kind of liked it though. I’m not sure what that says about me. I really feel like I’ve done some proper exercise today – that must be good, surely?

      And thanks for the compliment. You may comment again. 😉

  2. If it’s anything like when I finally went to the chiropractor for my neck and middle back problems you’ll feel like a whole new person once the soreness wears off. I’m not sure that sounds right, but there you have it. Anyway, I could almost envy you your treatment, even a pummeling sounds wonderful right now.

  3. Apparently, you needed a good beating. 🙂

    Maybe she will be gentler next time? I’ve always wanted to try the hot stones. Sounds heavenly, until the karate chops that is…yikes!

  4. And THAT is exactly why I’m never getting a massage!!! I’d go for a foot massage though, but I wouldn’t let one of those girls get close to my back and mess it up in an hour, so it takes me weeks to recover. There are some parts of our bodies that are better left untouched, or just touched gently.

    Did you recover?

    1. I did and really on the second day, I felt a lot better and kind of loosened up! But I don’t have back problems like you do, I wouldn’t go then either. I haven’t had a headache since I was there, which is amazing for me, as my head hurts most days at the moment.

      I know that I carry my stress in my shoulders, so it was gonna hurt there.

      Have you tried acupressure? I’ve had it a few times from physiotherapists and it’s very gentle. You need to drink lots and lots of water after it to clear out your system. It’s always helped my headaches too but only properly after several sessions and only for a short time.

  5. I laugh in (painful) recognition 🙂 Years ago a friend and I, while on a business trip in Asia, were sent off by the Bangkok office manager for a “relaxing” massage in Patpong. We were told to change into the silk pajamas provided and to sit and wait on the mats in curtain-encircled cubicles. Tiny Thai ladies then came in and proceeded to, what I can only describe as, wrestle with us – in spite of the pain, much hilarity ensued at the incongruity of it

    1. I DO!!! But I can program myself to wake up when I do and that way I can stop it again.

      I think most of my headaches are caused by tension though I do have a lovely migraine once a month (for 5 days!!) and then most times I catch a cold, it goes into my sinuses, for a bit of variation!!

  6. You are hysterical and no, I’m not laughing at your getting ‘beat’ up, as you put it, but the way you describe it! I can’t get massages because I have Fibromyalgia and chronic pain issues. Even when my partner tries to rub the tension out of my shoulders…well, sometimes I simply can’t repeat the words I use when the rubbing is just a bit too deep. You show great restraint for I would probably have accidentally kicked her in the very least or simply got up and left. I do hope it was helpful, though, as it does work wonders for some people…just not me. You made my evening lighten up with this one. Thank You!

    1. I’m glad that I made you laugh!

      I’m sorry to hear about your Fibromyalgia and for what it’s worth I think your entitled to use whatever language you like when you’re in so much pain. They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think after that have a good scream/shout/rant can also provide a bit of relief.

      I wish you well.

    1. They did stay away for over a week but now they’re back again. But only because it was that time of the month. And then I always have a migraine for 5 days. (It used to be 2 days, I’m not best pleased that it’s upped itself to 5 days. And since then it’s been kind of ‘hovering’.

      I’m going back to the WWF contestant. I’ve just decided.

      1. We, women, do NOT need migraines. Period (or not)!
        If it is any consolation at all, know that you are not alone in this.
        Have you told this female wrestler that you suffer from headaches? Perhaps she can adjust the treatment further.

      2. I am definitely going back to her and I’ll see wha she can do. Maybe she could fix my knee while she’s at it. #justathought

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s