Bandaged from the shower


Now, I’m not completely repulsive. Please bear that in mind when you read the next line.

Today, I finally managed to have a shower.

I’d bathed on Sunday in an attempt to curb the swelling.

That had not worked.

Then I was bandaged up by the emergency doctor.

My bandages were changed three times a day by people with varying bandaging techniques.

And on each change, no one mentioned the elephant in the room. The distinct odour hovering around my body parts.

As I said,  I’m not a complete minger. (Scots to English translation: totally disgusting person, sorry, I just couldn’t find a better word). I had scraped around with the flannel at every opportunity. I had doused myself in deodorant. Seriously. There were children choking. But neither can compare with a hot shower pounding against your skin.

No one refers to it. When you’re being bandaged up. The doctors don’t tell you how to climb in the bath without the use of your feet. Neither do they blow the whistle on how you conjure up super-powers, and stand up long enough to take a shower, when you can hardly stagger from the sofa to the loo.

In plain simple English: you are left to stink.

So, my wound being closed now (although I still have to adorn my legs with bright yellow antiseptic three times daily until Sunday, and I’m still going around with mummy legs), and my ability to stand up having immensely improved, I stepped into the most delicious shower and attempted to soap myself with my ‘new’ Naomi Campbell body lotion.

I say new, the bottle was in truth, part of a gift given to me for my birthday two years ago, by my son. He’d charmed the shop assistant while buying the perfume and had been given it for free.

I know all of this because he was so pleased with himself, he’d felt the need to give a full and frank account of the whole shopping experience.

I will admit that part of his character does come from my side.

I do exactly the same to my husband.

“I got you this present! And it’s especially cool because I got it for half price!”

I’m always more impressed in a gift that’s been a right old bargain. But my husband? He seems, somehow, less dazzled?!?

It took me some time to start using the Naomi Campbell body lotion because I’m often given shower and bath commodities as presents. I assure myself it’s because I have quite a lot of these bandaged up incidents. On top of that, if I’m honest, I’m not Naomi Campbell’s biggest fan.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think she’s pretty. In actual fact, I would say she’s one of the prettiest models I know of. Not that I know of many, as I’m not particularly interested in models. Quite probably because I have a serious deficit in the facial recognition area of my brain. I once watched the best part of a film, completely confused because I couldn’t tell Leo Dicaprio apart from Jason Bourne. I thought that only one of them was in it and the plot, thus, made no sense whatsoever.

But his bloody name isn’t Jason Bourne is it? *off to check Wikipedia* Matt Damon, that’s it.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Naomi.

In all truth, I went off her when she found herself unable to decide between wearing and not wearing fur. And her subsequent behaviour hasn’t helped her case.

So, should I have been the purchaser, I would have wandered off to another shelf and not even taken a whiff of the perfume that had her name sprawled all over it.

But the perfume was bought by my son. At a reduced price, he’d excitedly informed me. And then to top that, this tube of body lotion happened to be thrown in for free.

*Truth be told, the perfume actually smells quite nice and my son’s always pleased when I wear ‘his’ scent.*

This morning during my delicious shower I washed and conditioned my hair. Then squeezed some of the content of the Naomi Campbell tube onto my normally very effective bath lily and attempted to lather it up.

My first thought was, “This is one really crap shower gel!”

My second thought was, “It’s more like a body lotion than a shower gel.”

Then some kind of bell clanged in my head.

I removed the bottle from the shelf, held it two centimeters from my nose, as is needed without the use of artificial lenses, and deciphered B O D Y  L O T I O N.

Luckily my face couldn’t turn any pinker and even if it could have, no one could have seen it through all the steam anyway.

18 thoughts on “Bandaged from the shower”

  1. I have never understood why having a celebrity name on a product makes it into something ‘desirable’. Naomi Campbell is built like a whippet and has temper tantrums, that’s about all I know about her, and something to do with diamonds maybe? Her fame has nothing to do with body lotion though does it? Odd! Guess I’ll never get my head around it!

    1. It doesn’t make it desirable for me, I must say. I would pick a perfume etc on the smell, but any celebrity branded perfume would put me off normally. I wouldn’t even try it. I was then pleasantly surprised that I liked the smell. Especially as it’s a cheaper perfume where you get quite a lot for your money. My son obviously tried to get the most he could with his money, bless him.

      If I was a celebrity and I wanted to endorse something I’d probably go for something foodie!!

      Oh. Or a posh hotel. What would you pick?

  2. Not to worry. I relate entirely. Not to the being a bandaged temporary minger part, to the confusing lotion/shower gel part. So I guess I don’t relate entirely, I relate in part.

    Anyway, so you won’t feel alone in your faux-pas I will share my less than brilliant lotion mix up. Last December I had the opportunity to travel south to the Major Metropolis area and shop at my favorite outlet store that sells smell-good body products. I get excited because they often have my favorite fragrances, which always seem to be discontinued the month after I discover them. I have a fondness for scented body lotion, and they had a 75% off sale on tubes of one of such fragrances. Happily extolling my good fortune to anyone who’d listen, I bought 4 tubes.

    I went to the hotel that night took a very long bath, shaved my legs (all the way up, naturally), and slathered on said lotion. The next day I felt a little itchy, and upon scratching my knees I had huge amounts of skin slough off. Woah! I thought I must need more of that lotion. So when I got home I slathered some more on. A few days went by and my skin just got itchier and itchier, and I kept blissfully using more and more of my favorite scented body lotion. Periodically I’d wonder why I was sloughing so much skin, but I didn’t appear to have a rash or anything, so being winter in the Great White North I kept assuming my skin was just itchy and tight from being really really dry.

    Eventually a few days later I decided to put some on right out of the shower, while my skin was still wet, thinking that might help to seal in the moisture. Strangely the lotion began to foam as I applied it to my wet skin. How odd I thought. I put my hands under the water to rinse off the slippery foam residue and wondered if these tubes contained some strange foaming mousse formula lotion. I threw on a robe and went about my business. A little while later, as I was dressing, I realized I had been absently scratching my legs. I looked down and noticed my skin was all white and flaky everywhere I applied the lotion. For some reason the lotion hadn’t absorbed. I looked at my hands, they were covered in what looked like sloughed skin. At last I was motivated to read the tube of lotion more carefully, and discovered it wasn’t lotion at all. It was some mysterious lotion like substance called shower cream, apparently a form of moisturizing soap. Well, skin sloughing mystery solved; it wasn’t skin at all, it was caked up layers of soap. And now I also knew why I’d been so itchy.

    On the upside, once I stopped feeling like such a complete moron, I discovered it worked really well as a shave cream.

    1. I’m so sorry. I really had to laugh loudly at your story. So much so, my husband ran over to the computer.

      I have an image of you now, wandering around caked in soap. Thank you so much for sharing your story on my blog!!

  3. Oh, I’ve done similar things before, nothing I’m proud of… I used antibiotic ointment instead of toothpaste on my kids’ toothbrush, conditioner for body soap, etc. I think the worst my mom did when we were kids was use chili powder instead of paprika to make goulash (looks very, very similar). My grandmother had no problem eating it because her tastebuds were shot but we couldn’t eat a bite without crying. We still laugh about that one!

  4. oh, deary me, still….🙂

    I feel a bath with your injured leg hanging over the side may be one option which may be more relaxing!

    The only way I can tell shampoo from conditioner without my glasses on is this: shampoo has black lid and the conditioner has white. Nothing to do with what’s written on the side coz that’s a complete blur.

    1. Both legs are injured so the problem is or was actually getting into the bath in the first place (without getting the area wet/dirty). I’ve done the one injured leg hanging out of the bath on a previous bandaged occasion😀 I wouldn’t describe it as relaxing as it’s a strange mixture of hot and cooler and slightly uncomfortable, but at least you do feel a bit cleaner.😉

      My conditioner has a black lid and my shampoo is from a completely different brand so has another form completely.

      The best bit is, I must have put the body lotion in the shower when I had my glasses on!!!

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