Some dozy plonker A generous benefactor saw fit, one Christmas, to present my son with: “The Boys Book: How to be the Best at Everything”.
Now, on first glance (and by that, I mean, at the cover) you’d surely think what a good present for a boy living in house full of girls.
In truth, that’s what I naively thought all those Christmases ago.
In days gone by, I even felt proud as my son actually chose to read words rather than flick through comics.
But then, all these ‘events’ happened in between. Influenced by chapters entitled: ‘How to annoy your brothers and sisters’ and ‘How to hypnotize a chicken’ and ‘How to make a stink’.
I have had enough telephone calls from teachers to last me a lifetime, thank you very much. Indeed, when I see ‘School Calling’ illuminated on the receiver, my instinct is to feel sick with dread rather than concerned that my child may be ill. You’ll therefore understand me when I say, my son doesn’t need to add to his list of skills: ‘How to play a trick on the whole class’.
Then there’s the chapter entitled ‘How to insult someone and get away with it’ – he didn’t get away with it!!!
I notice, on close inspection of the book, the author has omitted his name. Could it possibly be in case attempts at ‘How to fall without hurting yourself… much’ or ‘How to fight off a crocodile’ are unsuccessful?
I can honestly applaud lessons in ‘How to tie three essential knots’ and ‘How to give mouth to mouth resuscitation’. Bravo!
And I’ll be positively glowing if he correctly follows ‘How to eat in a posh restaurant’.
But really? ‘How to save the world’? I didn’t call my son Tom or Bruce or Keanu…
My boy has simultaneously learned how to freeze his finger and warm his feet while locating a thunderstorm and surviving a volcanic eruption.
He’s particularly excited about the prospect of ‘Mummifying an ancient Egyptian’. Luckily I haven’t noticed any old Egyptians around here. Only ancient Mummy’s.
I need to be on high alert today. He’s been studying the chapter ‘How to lose your head’. And the ‘How to shave’-d hair still hasn’t grown back on his arm. So I don’t fancy his chances of growing a new head!