I really, really need to have a grump.
I thought about popping into that Thai massage parlour I am driving past on a daily basis at the moment. It has an anti-stress massage advertisement in the window: Head, neck and shoulders for just 29€.
The place looks a little seedy. And I felt kind of concerned in case I was offered more than I bargained for. But my husband has assured me, here, in Germany, the brothels are well signposted, flashing their red love hearts all over town.
Of course, I’ve seen them.
As have the children who were mightily disappointed when I told them it’s a place you go to pay for sex not some romantic place of lurve.
And 29€ may be a special offer, but it’s still 29€ and WordPress, on the other hand, is free.
Plus, in the last couple of weeks I’ve spent enough money to finance a luxury cruise.
If we didn’t have kids we really could be floating off right now… Instead of buying new shoes, coughing up for haircuts, bankrolling the replacement of a full forest worth of necessary books, splashing out on bus passes, not to mention the half a weeks wages we had to invest on a pair of children’s glasses…
Dear Mr Optician,
I did not appreciate you trying to guilt trip me into buying a second pair of glasses for my child. I definitely did not appreciate you telling my daughter her current glasses are old-fashioned and need to be replaced. Are you trying to knock her self-esteem? She likes her glasses. She does not want to change them. She only needs a replacement lens. And you made more than enough money out of that, charging me 41€ for the privilege. Your glasses are well-over-priced. I have British TV and I happen to know that Boots are selling two pairs for £79. You wouldn’t even give me half a pair for that! Anyway, today I found a cheaper optician than you in the shopping centre. So stick that in your pipe…
Dear Baker at the Department Store,
I am very sorry that my four-year-old stole half of your cream cake with her hair. I hope I didn’t offend you, helping myself to your serviettes, but really, the cream was weighing her head down. And I couldn’t let her walk around like that. She already had chocolate smeared all over her face…
Arrogant Chemist Bitch Woman,
I know that you said you would call me when the prescription was ready. I know because the prescription was urgent, and as I told you, it’s bad enough having had to drive back and forth to the hospital every day for the past ten weeks without having to drive back and forth to your bloody chemist too…
Dear New Teacher,
In his defence, I do think my son’s intentions were good, picking up that little kid by his coat. While he was dangling him, my son just wanted to let him know that it’s not nice to hit other kids. Unfortunately
the little shit the youngster did not seem to comprehend as he just ran off and thumped someone else…
Please pay rent!!
My son has been back and forward to the hospital every day (bar weekends) for the past ten weeks and not one of you has called to see how he is…
I am sorry, I am very behind on my reading. I’ve been so busy running backwards and forwards,
scowling at discussing the merits of good service with chemists, cleaning up vomit, therapizing pubescent teens, running around shopping centres begging for ice to inhibit a black eye, explaining the black eye, complaining about the cost of books, guestimating the weather, badly – sweating in excessive clothing, or shivering in short sleeves, blocking toilets…
Dear Toilet Cleaner,
I am a little bit sorry that my daughter and I ran off leaving the loo in that state. We went with the ‘save water – share a flush’ plan. And it backfired. Miserably. We didn’t stuff the loo with anything untoward. Honestly. OK, we did, perhaps, I suspect, I confess, use more than the average amount of toilet tissue. What with periods and poos. And several wipes of the seat on the loo. I am normally a responsible parent. That time the little one removed all the price tags in the cheese section of the supermarket’s fridge, I handed them right over to the unsuspecting assistant, did an about turn and left her to get on with her job.
No, I did not leave you a tip, but to be honest, your services weren’t really fully-functioning, were they?
Dear Sore Throat, Migraine and Period,
Kindly, piss off…
I thought I’d get my list in early this year. I’ve tried to be good. Honest.
- 1 – 2 Weekends away with husband but without children
- 1 x
Reasonably largeUnreasonably large lottery win
- 1 x New, improved memory
- 1 x Large dose of patience
- 1 x Small, painless op to remove all traces of menstruation
1 x5 x Extra hours in the day
- Wine, a lot of wine
And I know I’m pushing it, but
- 1 x unripped sofa