Not the best day I’ve had


I’ve been up half the night. Not because ADHD boy has been turning night into day again. No. Because two kind of weird things happened yesterday.

And they triggered discussions and memories and thoughts that I’m uncomfortable with.

We’re attending a class at the moment, to try to help us deal with Aden’s problems. A group of parents sit together and we listen to a trained advisor and each other.

Yesterday, the advisor (I can’t think of a better word to describe her, I just know she has training and experience and has got to know our kids) asked us about our own upbringing.

She asked if our parents were more authoritative or liberal or a mix.

The question took me aback. I hadn’t expected our own childhoods to be approached at all. And I flapped around thinking what I should say.

Luckily for me, one guy decided that was exactly the right moment to pour his heart out and being on a time schedule, the advisor reeled it in and I escaped the question.

On the one hand I wanted to give the guy a comforting hug but on the other I felt relief that I didn’t have to revisit my past.

Then, at home, the new Facebooker in the family (my second eldest is finally allowed an account) received an angry message from my brother.

I’m presuming that he must be pretty angry, why else would he include this sentence in his message to a 13yo (who had not contacted him at all):

“Unfortunately the bevaviour of your mother and the callousness with which she has treated your nana and grandad, your aunty L and myself means that this situation will never be resolved.”

The ‘situation’ being that we’ve all fallen out.

To be honest, I’m fed up of being depicted as the bad guy.

I am many things: untidy, forgetful, clumsy, sometimes selfish, and emotional. I panic on motorways (even when others are driving) and I think my laugh is too loud. I embarrass myself when I’m drunk. I get really stressed and think about things too much. I forget people’s names (even my own on occasions) and I have a tendency toward obsessive behaviour (though unfortunately not in the cleaning and tidying department). I can also get pretty damn cross.

I am battered. I am worn out. I’ve been abused.

I am the black sheep of the family. I am different. But I am not, I repeat, I am not, callous.

Last night I could not sleep because that’s unfair. To me and to my daughter.

It all has to STOP. Now.

Otherwise, I’ll also be broken.

28 thoughts on “Not the best day I’ve had”

  1. Oh, Sarah, people are horrible sometimes. I don’t have any answers for you, except to say that your character comes across in your writing and I don’t see any trace of callousness.

    People often project their own characteristics onto others, so he could be the callous one. I would say so if he’s involving a child in an adult dispute.

    Sending you hugs xx

    1. I can honestly say that I put my heart on a plate in my writing. Sometimes my husband worries about my sheer openness!

      You could have hit the nail on the head with the projection thing… I’m really, very shocked that he wrote that to a 13yo.

      Thanks for the hugs, much appreciated.

    2. Hi Sarah, I really felt for you when I read this post. That was a horrible thing for him to do. It’s inexcusable. Everyone who knows you or reads your blog knows you’re not callous. Everyone can tell you’re a lovely sweet person.

      He tried to make you look bad but he’s just made himself look nasty instead.

      xxx

      1. Thanks SammyDee, that means a lot.
        Reading the message really opened my eyes. My own child said, “Mum, he obviously doesn’t even know you.”

        I’m very proud of my daughter but she shouldn’t have to read that.

  2. Some people substitute lack of information with rash and blind activism—and make other people suffer. I wish they would use what they’ve eagerly learned at school/university in real life: to look at all aspects/opinions and not just at a single one, just in case it may be biased.

  3. Whatever the problem, your brother had no right to speak like that to a 13 year old and drag her into an adult dispute. Sounds like he is the callous one, not you.
    Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

    1. I want to second all of this, vehemently. I got to deal with some of my mom’s siblings pulling crap like this when she was on her deathbed. They were startled to discover that the zero-tolerance policy I stated when I welcomed them to say their farewells involved exactly zero tolerance. There is just too little time for that kind of drama. I frankly want to kick it in the nads, in this form, in that form, in every form.

    2. Thank you. Hugs are especially appreciated today.

      It’s my feeling that she shouldn’t be involved too, and the reason I kept all of the children out of it previously. If he wanted to say something say it to me. I’m the grown up and the one he has the problem with.

  4. My thoughts about your brother cannot be put into print…but the word “callousness” was not on my list of descriptors for such behavior towards a young adult….I just hope that she has no futher contact with him.😦

    1. Be assured, she will not. He asked her to be ‘friends’ and she informed us, we discussed it and decided it would be best for her to decline as no one wanted her to be caught up in argument. Then he messaged her. If he’s angry with me, by all means say to me. But why tell a 13yo? It’s not acceptable!

  5. This made me mad. Even if you were as callous as an elephants foot, he has no right to drag your child into the fray – he has resorted to tactics which border on bullying if you ask me.

  6. Wow, that’s really messed up!!! The only thing I can tell you to make you feel better is that many people call other people names that actually describe them. I’m not sure how it works but look around and you’ll notice how true it is. People tend to accuse other people of their own vices, faults, etc. Someone will call you selfish when they are, and so on.

    I can’t believe your own sibling would play such a trick on your daughter but the best is to stay silent, and stay away.

    I understand though why your son’s counselor would want to know about your own childhood to see if any of it is reflected in your son’s behavior. I wouldn’t want to talk about my childhood either in front of a group! It’s probably not the worse that could have happened to a child, but pretty bad still. There are quite a number of reasons I live 6000 miles away from where I grew up…

    Be the adult here, be yourself.

    1. I was pleased that someone else wanted to share their story. I really hope the counsellor (probably the right name ;-)) has remembered as she left the building, Sarah didn’t tell her story, I’ll need to ask her next week 8-0

      It triggered memories for me anyway, and then my brother suddenly, out of the blue contact my daughter with that message.

      I will stay away from all of them.

      Thanks for your support!!

      1. Noooo! Now you’re going to be worrying about it in case it happens!

        It probably won’t. Even if she remembers she might decide it’s time to move on to something else. Fingers crossed. x

  7. Hope you’re less stressed now. A shame you were targeted through your son. Very uncool. Here’s a virtual hug I’ll pass along from another blogger who sent me one yesterday.🙂

  8. I think it’s all been said but GRRRRRRRR.

    I have a brother too. And a falling out situation. And I identify with this. Luckily my kids are older so no worries in that department.

    Keep breathing.

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